This is your brain on insomnia… Now with pictures!
So it turns out that the author of Fight Club, one Chuck Palkajseryunik (<– pretty sure that’s how it’s pronounced) had it right. Quite possibly from personal experience. After all, we know that artists are always tortured, and not in the sexy Leather-n-Whips way. Well, not usually. But it turns out that when you can’t sleep, things begin to seem less real, like a copy of a copy of a…you get the point. Unfortunately, this doesn’t apply to the things in life you wish were less real, like the amazing idea of fashion in the 80’s
unfortunately, this wasn't just a terrible nightmare.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t just a terrible nightmare.
Please note: Looking at the above picture may cause your eyes to bleed. This is a normal reaction, do not be alarmed. Trust me, I’m a nurse.
However, everything else in your life, seems to magically become less and less real. Suddenly you can’t remember if you actually got a voicemail from your mother asking if you’d recently checked out the UFO that appeared over Phoenix, or if that was the fevered imaginings of a mind that had finally cracked in half. Normally, the latter is true for most people. Not so for me.
You may also increasingly find yourself in situations similar to this. …and then you say or think to yourself: “I can’t believe that just fucking happened.”
But enough of the effects, let’s move on to causes.
1. Someone implants in your head a horrifying idea or image that prevents you from sleeping. I offer the following example.
Babies
Babies!!
Also known as the squirmy horrifying things that come out of ladies’ naughty places. [Note: 'naughty places' is a technical term used primarily by gay nurses]. Seriously, one mention of these horrifying and unnatural (despite what religion would tell you) monsters is enough to send most people into a frenzied state of self-imposed insomnia in order to stave off the inevitable night-terrors this will cause. Be aware, most people can sneak this up on you in the most innocent of ways. Such as mentioning that they are pregnant. And that they would love for you to be present at the birth. And that they want lots more after the first one.
The result of 'lots more'. Scary, isn't it?
The result of “lots more”. Scary isn’t it?
Do not be fooled by the vacant drooling and wide eyed expressions of wonder at every shiny set of keys jangled in front of them. Pygmy demons Babies are a known carrier of hideous evil. Careful, they travel in packs.
Fortunately, the Wachowski brothers were on to something, and figured out the cure. I choose to call it, intensive baby monitoring. Seen below.
Intensive Baby Monitoring
“Intensive Baby Monitoring”
All those tubes not only tell you exactly whats going on with its internal workings at all times, but also serve to keep it immobile and passive, so it can’t come for you in the night and eat your soul. Why are babies scary exactly, you ask? Because they remind us all of dolls. And dolls are closely related to clowns (Their genomes are about 98% the same). Now imagine a horde of clowns taking over your village and you’ll see why babies are terrifying.
2. The next cause of insomnia is ironically, insomnia itself. Allow me to explain. Once you’ve gone long enough without sleep, your brain starts trying its level best to force sleep upon you. Often using scare tactics cleverly disguised as hallucinations or optical illusions.
A completely normal horse...demon.
A completely normal horse…demon
The only problem with this is that these scare tactics end up reverting you to cause number one (see above). And really, you’d think that since the brain is in charge of everything in general, and the pineal gland specifically is in charge of your sleep-wake cycle, it could do whatever it wants at any time. Which is certainly true, and thats how people end up with narcolepsy. The brain decides: Hey, now’s a good time to sleep! And lo, as the brain prophesied, you fall asleep. These people are fortunate. Don’t let them tell you otherwise, quoting statistics about the survival rates of those who fall asleep at the wheel and run into K-rails, trees, or say, oncoming traffic. They’re just making all that up so that us insomniacs won’t lobotomize them to discover the secrets of random sleep. BECAUSE WE NEED IT!!! Why you ask? Because if we don’t have it, we start to think that things like this are normal.
crazy aberrant chicken construct
Crazy aberrant chicken construct.
I assure you, that the possibly poultry animal seen above, is as abnormal as the hideous flesh things referred to as babies. The insomniac brain begins to look at the world and just accepts everything as “The Way it Should Be.” Which would explain why the writers/producers/anyone else involved in television ‘reality’ shows such as Real Chance at Love, still have a job.
The only fortunate part of being afflicted with insomnia is that it provides endless time to write half-assed articles such as this one, think they are funny, and even more, think they are worth being read by the world at large. You also start looking up what the correct plural of something is. Like: Schools of fish; Murders of crows; or a Cher of gays. Well, that and insomniacs can spend more time than you can, watching infomercials and thinking they are interesting. Internet Shortcuts, here I come!
~Whyspir