GeekHarmony – 5 Minutes to Pudding

This was a triumph.

I’m making a note here: “Huge Success.”

It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction.

Carving a pumpkin,

We do this for Halloween sometimes.

For the good of tradition,

Or for just roasting the seeds.

Now there’s no sense crying if a thinner part breaks,

You just keep on carving and then go get some tape.

And the pumpkin gets done

And you can smash it for fun

For the pumpkin is not still alive.

It’s not even angry.

It doesn’t have emotional thought.

Even though you stabbed it’s head and killed it.

And tore out it’s insides,

And put in a candle to have fire.

As it glows, it’s like it seems that it’s so happy for you.

Now these massacred gourds only last a short time

They get all wrinkled like they’re cougars past prime.

Oh, your finger will get burned

Lighting the candle, you’ll learn.

And the pumpkin is not still alive.

Go ahead and leave it

Out on the porch, or left inside.

Maybe kids won’t smash it on your driveway.

Just don’t give them Neccos.

THAT WAS A JOKE.

HAHA. FAT CHANCE.

Anyway, this carving’s great,

It’s so geeky a choice.

Look at me still typing like this song is so new

I bet Jonathan Coulton’s a nice guy and won’t sue…

I’ve really got to run,

There is gaming to be done.

Can’t believe that this post’s still alive.

Oh believe me, the thing’s still alive.

I’m plagiarizing and it’s still alive.

I feel SARCASTIC and it’s still alive.

The song’ll be stuck in your head, still alive.

And when it’s ended I’ll be still alive.

Still alive.

Still alive.

-darthfenix

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Actual song and Portal credits:

Today I’ve been browsing Amazon.com in an effort to bulk up my wish list. Christmas is coming, you know, and I always like to get things. Plus, looking at kitchen and video game accessories brings me joy. (I know, I’m not a normal person.) I’ve always come across a few products on Amazon that have been questionable in nature, but today some real winners have stood out. I’ve listed them below for your* entertainment.

*By “your”, I actually mean “my”, since I’m fairly sure the readers of this blog number less than 5 at this current time. Apart from all the spam bots and site crawlers. They’re people/scripted functions too, I guess.

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The Wii Bowling Ball Accessory

Holy shit. Who came up with this one?

They had to put a warning on the goddamn Wii game loading screen for the normal Wii remotes to make sure people stopped throwing them into their TVs. Now, they have a giant cylindrical object that’s just waiting to shatter some expensive plasma all over someone’s business. But look! It has a wrist strap. That means no harm will never happen, ever. Everyone uses the Wii remote straps! They’re so hip.

Actually, no one uses the Wii remote straps.  Because no one wants to make it look like they need the added assistance to make sure they don’t do something retarded. It’s the same reason kids don’t wear helmets when they ride bikes. They don’t want to be “that kid,” you know. The kid that looks like he doesn’t trust gravity or the laws of physics. Look how well that works out for the kids without helmets. They have to be fed ice chips and be hooked up to machines to breathe. Kind of like what will happen to you when you fling this bowling ball through your friend’s Samsung at a party while playing WiiSports.

A recipe for disaster.

The Sexy Fast Food Waitress Halloween Costume

It’s become a Halloween tradition that women dress up like whores for Halloween. I don’t know when or why this officially started, but it’s been earning cheap costume stores oodles of money by selling skanky witch outfits. This, however, is rather confusing. While I am not a man, and do not have the experience to know this for certainty, I’m pretty sure that there aren’t many fantasies involving fast food clerks. Especially because most of them are teenage boys who spend too much time handling meat. Nothing says sexy like smelling of french fry grease and onions.

This costume tells the other guests at your local Halloween shindig: “Why yes, I would like fries with that. And by fries, I mean ‘a penis inside of me.’ ”

Any Type of Croquet Set

Does anyone actually know how to play croquet other than wealthy, Stepford-Wife doucebags? It’s apparently a sport, but I’m not sure why, because it’s just a lot of people foppishly dressed and lazily hitting balls with mallets. While I’m sure that’s bound to float someone’s boat, it just doesn’t seem like entertainment. Especially when they’re marketed under the “Children’s Toys” category.

We had a croquet set when I was a kid. You know what my siblings and I used to do to play? We hit shit with the mallets. Trees, patio furniture, each other, etc. Or, we swung as hard as we could at the balls to see how far they would go to hit trees, patio furniture, each other, etc. The game ended when we either got bored of it or someone had to go to the doctor. Fun times for the whole family, indeed.

OSIM iGallop Core and Abs Exerciser

There’s a couple things that get me on this one.

1. It’s an exercise machine that uses the premise of straddling something and bouncing in order to get a workout.
2. The grainy quality of the photo makes it seem like it was taken through a mesh screen, such as one you find on windows, which implies that some shady character was hiding in a tree and photographing this woman straddling and bouncing.
3. They’re only selling one. You have to buy it through a third party. And it’s listing price is $279.99.
4. See #1.

The comments are especially precious. The featured one states, “I ride a minimum of 30 minutes every day, and an hour whenever possible (this is easy to time as the machine automatically runs for only 15 minutes – to continue, just hit the start button again).”

I was going to make a statement about how most women could probably find a cheaper workout in the comfort of their own male partners, but come to think of it, the duration is probably better on this thing. Might just be worth the investment.

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Stay tuned for our next episode, where I degrade more Halloween costumes for my own amusement. ‘Tis the season.

-darthfenix

PS: I watched the first disk of the Sci-Fi (or SyFy as they’re gayly calling themselves now) version of Dune, and I removed the other two disks from my queue. I forgot about Emo-Paul and the way too caring family situation between Duke, Jessica, and the brat. I change my vote to 2 stars for both miniseries, with Children of Dune carrying most of it.

We were going to start a band.

Then we realized that while not completely necessary, “talent” was something that should likely be present in order for a successful venture to occur. Then again, it seems to be less and less of a requirement lately. This could be the fear of aging catching up to me, though, where I start hating these young whippersnapper kids and their pop-autotune-crap. Bah humbug.

I begin this way to justify the following guilty statement: I enjoy playing Guitar Hero/Rock Band too much. It’s probably due to the fact that since I don’t have the talent or patience to play a real instrument, it’s far easier to pound on a piece of plastic and pretend that I’m awesome. This can be boiled down to a single equation that companies like ActiVision and Harmonix can appreciate, since it lines their pockets with money:

Laziness + Geeks who love video games and/or Geeks who love music = Profit

Reality is hard.

I picked up the newfangled The Beatles: Rock Band game last week. As a Beatles fan, I’m entertained. As a Rock Band fan, I’m glad they’ve removed the learning curve from the game that all previous music-rhythm things have implemented. Before, they started you off slow, and it got harder as you progressed.

The Beatles : Rock Band throws that formula out the window, and bases songs off of time periods in the Beatles’ career. It’s refreshing to get a little variety, and while none of the songs are exceedingly difficult, some of them were challenging.  (I play Medium, but I’ve heard others say the songs still aren’t bad on higher difficulties).

I’ve found with this game that I need to hire an underling to play the game for me during the Abbey Road recordings, since the animators have drug-induced colorscapes while you’re playing, and I can’t watch those and play the song at the same time.  All in all, love the game, beat it in less than a day. Woo.

For a better, funnier, and more detailed synopsis of the game, see Yahtzee’s Zero Punctuation review.

I started thinking about other bands that have had their own featured Rock Band/Guitar Hero games. Guitar Hero: Metallica is completely justified. Metallica songs are perfect for the game, and 90% of geeks living in basements agree that the band is awesome. Guitar Hero: Aerosmith I can’t get behind. I was into them in the 90’s, but even then, it was a fickle thing. Also, Steven Tyler is like a drag queen version of Mick Jagger. Although now, it seems like he’s trying to turn into Geena Davis. And don’t get me started on Guitar Hero: Van Halen. I’m just imagining the next one: Guitar Hero: Songs Your Parents Still Embarrass You By Singing Along To in the Car.

Here are a few games that likely won’t be coming out anytime soon:

Pink Floyd : Rock Band

I love Pink Floyd. But I’m not seeing the ability for families to bond together over the songs like they can with The Beatles. I saw The Wall when I was in junior high. Then watched it repeatedly all throughout high school. (That pretty much explains things, doesn’t it?) Parents may not be comfortable with animators putting marching hammers and flower sex inside of their kid’s video games.

Stay in school, kids.

Besides, “Shine On you Crazy Diamond” is almost 30 minutes long. That makes “Green Grass and High Tides” seem like a picnic. Granted, some songs would be pretty awesome to play, and you could play scenes from The Wizard of Oz behind Dark Side of the Moon tracks, but a completely devoted game likely isn’t in the works.

Guitar Hero: Nickelback

There’d only be one track.

Because all of their songs sound the same.

GET IT?!

Sigh.

Nickelback sucks.

Rock Band: Milli Vanilli

No Microphones required!

*rim shot*

I know, that was both terrible and unnecessary.

It might be a blessing, considering that our landfills are going to be piled with cheap, lead-coated, plastic instruments in the coming years. Just think how bad it will get if they keep releasing all those custom guitar controllers.

I have a Rubbermaid bin full of this crap. That’s also terrible and unnecessary.

I’ll still support these things with my hard-earned money, because like all gamers, I’m both A) loyal and B) feature-stupid. This is the same reason why I might buy Guitar Hero 5, even though most of the songs I don’t care for, just to play “Ring of Fire.” God help me if they ever release “Stairway to Heaven” on a volume. They’ll likely have it be the very last song, and fill the rest with Jonas Brothers and Creed, and I’ll still buy the damn game.

Damn my love of playing pretend.

-darthfenix